the life of a deviant mind

darkthoughts

switching over to a different blogsite. for those who know me, you know where to go.

darkthoughts

It just dawned on me that my birthday is coming near. February 5. I'm turning 26. I'm getting older.

darkthoughts

I've always been trying to escape.

I drink like there's no tomorrow. I laugh out loud like I mean it. I work like I have 10 mouths to feed. I sleep away my weekends. I talk so much. 

Yes, I do these things to escape. I don't want to listen to my own thoughts. Because if I do, I would feel what I feel now. I'd be able to hear my heart. Loneliness. There's no better word for it. Yes, I'm a hypocrite. I don't like it. But that's the only way I could survive. I don't have much of a choice. I am a threat to myself.

I better stop thinking now.

darkthoughts

"I'm done being single!"

1. Love too much get hurt in the end.

2. Meet the perfect guy but realize that he's taken

3. Travel abroad for leisure

4. Go clubbing with friends until daytime

5. Get too drunk and pass out

6. Have artistic nude photos taken

7. Meet a new guy everyday for a week

8. Get promoted to a managerial post

9. Save upto 500k!

10. Make love with a stranger

11. Go to a bar alone

12. Learn how to drive.

13. Get my own car.

i don't really know what this word means now.

darkthoughts

My friends commented that I wasn't me in that past 6 months... That was me contented and happy. And now I'm back to being myself again, depressed and alone inside but fun-loving, perky and unafraid on the outside.

darkthoughts

yeah, life is a wheel, a circle, a cycle. i was happy for a few months, maybe. But now, i'm miserable again. i really can't stay happy for a long time, can i? the thing is i don't think i deserve this feeling.

i guess you already know Spook. well, he was the reason that i was happy. i had hoped and wished that i already found "the One". I even pictured myself already in a house wth a lawn with my kids and Spook. Then all of sudden, the wheel turned. Spook is the reason I'm depressed. Ironic, huh? maybe I'm met to be alone and miserable my whole life? maybe he's not yet "the One"? a lot of maybes. All I'm sure of is that i'm pretty hurt. If words can only express the pain inside, i would have had wrote it here a thousand times.

darkthoughts

I'm already 25. Most people consider this the marrying age. I am ready, yes. And God knows that it is my secret wish to have a family of my own with 2 or 3 kids, living in a two-storey house with a great lawn and a white fence. You may include a cute dog as a pet in the picture and 2 cars (1 for me to bring the kids to school and for my husband to go to work).

But somehow, I do not know if my personality fits the wish. I can never be a housewife or a soccer mom with my strong and competetive personality. When I think about me managing a big company, I find it more plausible than having a perfect family life.

darkthoughts

I can't believe I passed Series 7! Well, scratch that. I did somehow expect to pass but I really thought that I'd get a grade below 80%. So I was surprised to see that I got 81%.

I was supposed to go out with a co-trainer. However, we got corny and decided to stay home and relax. 

There's still Series 63 this Friday. Wish me luck!