the life of a deviant mind

that's what's shitty about it... people think of me strong. that i can handle everything. that i can fight my own battles and fight other people's battles. in effect, i become alone. alone in everything that i do and alone in solving my probs. in effect, my friends only come to me when they need me, never really thinking that im having problems too. and yes, i help them. it's fucking tiring to be strong.

darkthoughts

Mistress, Shadow, Mother, Blight

Dominatrix of the night

Succubine, 'tis demon lay

To coax poor men apart their way

Ancient scourge to Eden's fame

Face of a forgotten name

Ancient scourge to Adam's life

First to lay as Adam's wife

Cursed demon, fearful whore

Almost writ off human lore

Wretched queen of kist's demand

Temptress of the sons of Man.

.............................

written by Marthy Angue

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i am lilith. a tease, a temptress, a demon.

darkthoughts

those eyes,

so clear, so beautiful

innocent like the child's

mesmerized,

i melt, i ache to touch

that's how i feel when i see them

your stare,

that which makes me blush

i can drown myself in it forever.

the longing,

that's what it tells

of yours and mine, lost forever

wow! excitement is killing me... i'm excited to see the photos we did last night. i was almost begging gabrielle, the photographer, to send the photos to my email right then after the shoot. i've glanced at some pics and they're good.  i just have to wait for monday though, tomorrow. and that just seems a very long wait!

darkthoughts

yeah, i'm getting crazy. i've been listening to 1 same song over and over. 'crazy for this girl'. i wonder if there still such a guy. She's got me thinking about her constantly --no guy can ever sing this. guys may be in love with a girl but a guy cannot think of her like this... a guy can sometimes be crazy for a girl but he would let his feelings take over him. while girls can always throw caution away.

this is a song i've always been amazed with. so as halaga by paroka ni edgar. i've never met such guy. well maybe i've met him but he's just crazy for another girl... yeah, i've met guys like that. they're just not for me though. 

like my dad, he's crazy about my mom even if she's soooo moody. i don't know if he has ever been unfaithful. but so far, i've never seen them fight because my dad has always been patient and understanding. well, my mom is always gracious when it comes to my dad anyway.

darkthoughts

i'm listening to 'buloy', a song from parokya ni edgar. buloy just seems to describe me. i'm projecting an image that i am strong. i used to think that i know better than them. i used to show them that i'm okay and i'm happy. when they know i have a problem, they would always have that confidence that i can make it.

but they don't now that i'm crushed, that i've always wanted to end it all, that i'm drowning in tears, that i'm hurting, that i feel so alone, that i've always considered suicide to be a friend... and he's the only friend i have right now. the only person there for me.

bleak is everything. i want to just curl on my bed... see blood.

darkthoughts

my head is pounding from tequila last night. and my mind doesn't seem to work now.

what happened last night? i went to party--well, not 'went' because i organized the party. anyway, it was a party for a community i used to belong. it's actually a costume party but naughtier. the costume should be underwear. i invited my friends along, maybe hoping that we'd teach the guys a thing or two. every one started to drink tequila and then, do the body shots. it seems that i can't bear to see my friends being devoured. everything went wild and got out of control. i was already acting like a conservative aunt. ha!

jeez... see the effect of tequila? i can't even tell a decent story. (decent here means 'of an acceptable standard or quality'.) i have an excuse. i am hung over. hmm... or shall i say, i'm still drunk? and i haven't ingested any food yet this day.

no. it's just that i'm not that good in narrating what happened. i seem to be better at writing about what i feel.

now, what am i feeling? let's just say it's a mixture of anger, frustration and depression. go ahead and sprinkle some suicidal thoughts. and viola! i am me.

but honestly, i am just hurt...

darkthoughts

The old cliche says, "If you love somebody, set him/her free." Is it really a show of how much you love a person when you set him/her free? As a pragmatist, I would say, it depends on the situation. When there isn't really a chance of you to be together, there's no reason for you to still hold on. Like when your loved one migrates to another part of the world and you know there is no chance for you to go and follow her. Like when your loved one is already married. Like when your loved one has just died. In these situations, there's no choice but to let go.

You need to hold on and fight when a 'villain' is just just there to break your relationship. Or when the loved one is only temporarily transferred to another area in the country because of work. Or when you had a quarrel over the lady love's dress.

However, the dreamer in me says that every situation is worth a fight (well, except death and when the loved one wants his/her freedom.) But, of course, there is a time when you really have to let go.  I would want my man to fight for me as bravely as I would fight for him. I prefer a warrior or a knight who can fight for me, than a king who can shower me with riches but will think first before fighting for me (if it's for the betterment of the kingdom or it can bring his rule down). A knight/warrior only has me and his principles to fight for. A king has other matters more important than me; he has a kingdom to worry about. I'm not wondering why Guenevere chose Lancelot over King Arthur. Of course, I want a guy who can tell me, "I'll take care of your worries," than a guy who who would tell me, "I'm here to make you smile and forget your troubles."

Maybe I'm too much of a dreamer to yearn for that "knight in shining armor". I want someone who will only let me go after a good fight.

darkthoughts

there you are again
why are you back?
why are you here?

i do not want to love you
i even want to hate you
i even want to stay away

but your stare drowns me
i resist to go deeper
i resist to be weak

this is madness, i know
love? it cannot be
love? it should not be

but one glance i melt
of touch that never was
of whisper never heard

your look of sweet gentleness
it reaches my soul
it touches my heart

oh help, i cannot fall
deeper into that gaze
deeper for those eyes

darkthoughts

nag-ulan na sad. maayo pa ang kalangitan kay wala siya'y bale kung kinsa ang mureklamo na mutulo na ang luha, dili siya maulaw kung sobra na ang banaw tungod sa iya. bisan unsaon nako ug pamisti na nabasa na sad akong nilabhan ug dili ko kauli ug tarong sa akong kuwarto nga gamay, wala gyud siya papugong. wala pa ggyud na siya'y ulaw kay paghuman sa ulan, usahay musidlak ang adlaw na pagka-anindot. murag wala lay nahitabo.

nganong ang tawo bisan unsa na kasakit sa gibati, bisan nangatangtang na ang ngipin sa pagkagut, kinahanglan man pugngan ang tulo sa luha? kani mahitabo ilabina sa mga lugar na daghang tawo. ulaw ihilak. usahay bati-on nato na huyang kaayo 'ta kung di ta kapugong sa hilak. sakit na kaayo imong dughan. ang sakit mura ka ug kapila giduslak ug pinuti.

kung dili na gyud kapugong, mu-adto sa banyo ug muhilak sa hilom. usahay, pugngan lang, unya pag-abot sa balay, didto ipa-anod tanan. muhilak sa kahilom ug kangitngit... hangtud makatulog.

pero sa sunod nga adlaw, mao ra gihapon ang gibati. nagbitbit ra gihapon sa kasakit. wala'y nakabalo, pero sa sulod sa imong pagkatawo naghinay-hinay na ka ug kalunod.

SUICIDE Pronunciation: 'sü-&-"sId Function: noun 1 a : the act or an instance of taking one's own life voluntarily and intentionally especially by a person of years of discretion and of sound mind b : ruin of one's own interests <political suicide> 2 : one that commits or attempts suicide

--- http://webster.com/cgi-bin/dictionary

what are the ways to do suicide?

1) point a gun to your head and bang!

2) take a lot of sleeping pills.. i mean.. a lot.

3) get an elactrical cord, wound it around your neck and knot it firmly with a tabla from your ceiling.

4) drink a bottle of muriatic acid.

5) jump from the top floor of a very tall building

Suggestions anyone?