the life of a deviant mind

itulo na lang ang mga luha
nga nag-ung-ung sa akong mga mata
kining akong kasakit
unta maanod sa imong tubig

ikaw ra ang nakadungog
ning dugdog sa akong dughan
ning bakho sa hilum
ning syagit sa kalaay ug pag-inusara

ikaw ra ang nakakita
sa kangitngit sa akong palibut
sa kaguol likod sa katawa
sa samad nga dili makita

ikaw ra ang nasayod
kung unsa ang mga kaagi
kung unsa ang mga pangandoy
kung unsa ang gibati

ang tingog sa bundak mo
maoy hele sa pagkatulog
ang dampi sa tulo mo
maoy hapyod sa akong kalinaw

kitang duha nagdamgo
sa sa tulog, ako dili makamata
pahuway kong dayon
matag adlaw gi-ampo

Today is day 5. Will I still wait for him? Or just forget about his promise?

according to webster.com:

Main Entry: sor·ry
Pronunciation: 'sär-E, 'sor-
Function: adjective
Inflected Form(s): sor·ri·er; -est
Etymology: Middle English sory, from Old English sArig, from sAr sore
1 : feeling sorrow , regret, or penitence
2 : MOURNFUL, SAD
3 : inspiring sorrow , pity, scorn, or ridicule : PITIFUL <their affairs were in a sorry state>
synonym see CONTEMPTIBLE

A sorry is just too empty these days. One may mean it when he/she says it but some just don't do anything to prove that he/she is sorry. And that makes it so empty. Sorry is already a sad word. People just made it sadder.

Someone said sorry to me... Probably he meant it but it better that he didn't say it. I can't see nor feel the sincerity. The damage has been done. I've already been hurt. And he doesn't do anything about it. He just says, "Sorry...". Am I supposed to feel okay after that? Is it a magic word that all the hurt will fade? Doing something to make amends does not even erase the fact that you've hurt the person. How much more the mere 'sorry'? Really, talk is very cheap...

why do i have to get affected when i realize that there are only pigs and women? (maybe  except my father and some of my guy friends)

i am sad again. too upset to even write...

last night, i was with a friend in an internet cafe to chat. now, here's a guy who wanted to meet up for a cup of coffee. i told my friend about it. and guess what? he was thinking that i will do seb. what i did? i let him read our chat transcript especially the part where i made sure that it was only for a cup of coffee and nothing else.

it is fucking depressing once people judge you. and i got a second dose of it when i met the guy from chat. while he was driving, he kept bragging about how much he earns and how much he can spend in a day because of his "call center" work. he said that their call center is different since they can earn almost 20k a day. wow! and imagine his guts when he held my hand and kept massaging it. "Are you trying to seduce me? Don't try, because you can't." i said. There was no coffee and he didn't even bring me home as he promised. he dropped me off somewhere. jeez... what a jerk!

and now someone told me that it's unfair for me to generalize... have guys been fair? i don't think so. if i only have a gun, for sure i would shoot every jerk i meet.

he did arrive... but he was gone as quickly as he came...

is it when you cannot stop thinking of his face, his smile? when you just catch yourself smiling because you remembered something amusing that he said? when you still remember how you felt at home when your fingers interlocked? when you yearn to feel the security when your head is just on his chest? when you remember how you danced without music? when it feels so right when you laugh together? when you remember his smell? when you like the way he puts little kisses on your head? when you... jeez... i can go on forever.

let's call him dr. bob. last night, he went to my place. we exchanged stories of how our life was for the past month we hadn't seen each other. he brought me clusivol multivitamins by the way... after he gave it to me, we watched Family Guy from his iPod.

this cartoon is really slick. it's not for kids anyway. but it talks about sex, violence and many things. surprisingly, it still does give out moral lessons. like one episode, the mother was hooked into stealing  because of the excitement taht it gives her. when she was in prison after she was caught, she told her family about the reason she did it. she was tired of the routine of being a mother and a wife. it's sad really when you think about it. i know many women feel that. they are simply deprived of the excitement in life.

another episode showed that we just realize the importance of some persons in our lives when they're not there anymore. the baby with the british accent had hot babysitter. he ogled for her but when he discovered that the girl has a boyfriend, he kidnapped the guy. so the girl was sad because the bf didn't call. and he was there trying to "comfort" the girl but, the slick baby reached for her chest. the babysitter, then, scolded the babe. because of this, the baby schemed to have her fired. she drugged the girl and scattered booze and drugs everywhere. when she was fired, she gave the kid a present to remember her by. this made him realize he made a mistake. but it was too late since she already left.

the cartoon presented it in a satiric and dirty way but it tells many truths in life.

i'm already afraid. i'm already afraid that i would completely lose my sanity.

as you know, i'm always alone. yesterday, i didn't go out of my room. i didn't eat, i didn't drink water, just 2 trips to the restroom. i was hooked into slashing my wrist with a blade. i keep on running the blade on my skin, the same spot over and over. the pain i felt was addictive. sweet burning sensation... and then you see the blood, pure red. and the smell, like rust. then i made a hit over it again.

the pain was wonderful, so physical.  made me forget of the pain i felt inside.  really addictive, i'd do it again to night.