the life of a deviant mind

why are fear and insecurity getting ahead of me? I was supposed to go out alone last night. Maybe have a beer in a dance bar or somewhere. I've first planned to go to Alchemy. I even planned what to wear.

But last night, I realized how much of a coward I am. I can't go alone. My body is just refusing to go and get ready. So I ended up sleeping the night away. If I could only hit myself... I don't know what happened to my plan of "rewarding myself".

Today, I'm planning to go to the mall. I've already thought of bringing my 2 pairs of shoes to Mr. Quickie to have them repaired. Then, probably it would be good to watch Transformers. I also have to do my grocery. I already ran out of shampoo and deodorant. Then I've thought of having a bottle of beer in Gerry's Grill.

Plans, plans, plans... But can I do them? -Alone. I am a coward. I know, I'd end up turning round and round in Market Market because I can't decide where to go or what to do.

just yesterday morning when my shift was about to end, our operations manager called me and my supervisor. i tried to scan in my mind if i've done something wrong because the OM really looked serious. well, i was able to think of a few--well fine, many.

but honestly, there's this 1 hope that came into my mind. i recently applied as a product specifics trainer in the company. i tried so much to dismiss that thought. i wouldn't want to be disappointed. however at the back of my mind, i had hoped so hard at that moment that it would be "it".

then the OM said that he was sorry to announce that I HAVE JUST BEEN PROMOTED AS A TRAINER!

nothing could describe the overwhelming happiness i've felt. but i still found it funny when my OM said that i have a very strong personality that sometimes it was intimidating and scary. and my supervisor seconded that.

when i talked to the trainer whom i would buddy-up for this week, she really confirmed what the OM said. she even used the word "scary". she further said that she was "traumatized"--for the lack of a better word- when i was her trainee.

enough with me being scary. i already have the job i've wanted and the job that could sufficiently support KISHNI and still have extra for me and my family. i feel so blessed. i have so much to thank God for. but i just hope that i would still feel blessed when i run out of money because of the things i need and the pizzas i need to buy for my former team mates.

whooo! wish me luck in this new chapter and wish me luck in surviving until the next payday.

darkthoughts

i've just seen finished seasons 1 and 2 of hana yori dango. wow, it made me envy. i want to feel how the 2 main characters of the story felt. i want to have someone who could make me really angry, but who could immediately make you smile. i want someone who can't live a day without seeing you or talking to you. i want someone who would be sadder when you're sad. someone who would be happier when you're happy. someone who makes you feel like yourself when you're with him.

basta, i want to fall in love again with someone who feels the same way or more.

i'm drunk right now. and of course, im writing this while im drunk. pathetic right? hahaha.... i just want someone to be there for me and take care of me.

i wonder why it's so difficult.

i just arrived from work. it's now past 1am. my shift ended at 10pm. but wow, there were a lot of meetings. not that im complaining, i'm actually enjoying the challenge.

i did 2 "fuck ups" today. there was a trainee who had sore eyes. i totally forgot about it. when rai, the trainer, knew about it, she was surprised because i didn't tell her. the poor girl was supposed to be sent home. the next "palpak" was when i clicked on something i shouldn't click. and it sent something to the customer. whew... you really learn the hard way. what a day...

i just arrived from rendering overtime during my rest day. this was because of a training for development. when philip, the trainer for this course, asked me if it's okay with me to also work on a saturday, i was too eager to join. he said that i could have that training every after shift but i chose the saturday. i wasn't really thinking of the additional pay. and not about my career development either. i was thinking that i don't have anything better to do. what a life! (Or the lack of it?)

before, i usually get excited about the weekend. these past few months, i'd actually prefer to go to work.

now, i'm home. still, i can't find anything to do or somewhere to go. nobody has called. nobody has sent me an sms. is this the part when i have to wonder if i look that bad? well, thinking about it, i'm already fed up with dates. i've already realized that it's better for me to stay home than waste my time with the wrong person. i wish so much to have that permanent person now.