the life of a deviant mind

darkthoughts

i never thought that happiness like this could be possible. i feel so blessed and alive. maybe 2008 is really a good year for me.

i'm dating someone who treats me the way i want to be treated. he's the most caring guy i've met. he pampers me even if i resist. he makes me feel special. finally a guy who likes me more than i like him.

also, i've been performing well at work and my boss has praised me several times. she even said, "you're very reliable". and as a result of hard work, patience and passion with what i do, i was certified as a trainer in our company last april 21. and i was the first trainer to be certified. of course, the certification also deals with an increase (shhhh... don't tell my parents.). i will be feeling the increase the next pay day which is next week!

and beginning this week, i am undergoing Series 7 training. there will be a qualifying exam and i have every intention to pass. which reminds me now to study... See you later!

darkthoughts

There goes my weekend. *sigh* Can I just say that it's too short? I know everyone will agree. Well, it has been productive. I was able to go to an acquaintance's birthday celebration (no booze for me), send a boxful of toys and magazines, watch a good movie and go to a doctor for a check up.

I won't be really writing about my weekend. It's about being the "guy magnet" again over the weekend. So it started, rather continued, when I went to Marikina for a birthday celebration. I didn't really know where they live so i just rode a cab and asked the driver to take me to Marikina Riverbank. I guess I was really unlucky because I ran out of load. I just decided to call the gf of the celebrant through a pay phone  in a 7 11 store to let them pick me up. While I was waiting for them, a guy started to ask for the time and he added, "Pauwi ka na?".

I just answered a short no and gave him an intimidating look.

"Saan ka papunta?"  he asked again.

"To a friend's house." I answered with an irritated tone.

"Samahan kita? Ako pala si ... (I forgot the name hehehe.)" Wow! He's makulit. I know the that he wouldn't stop so I decided to wait inside the store.

When I thought that he was gone, I went out to wait. Then another guy talked to me.

"Saan ka, miss?" the taxi driver asked.

"May susundo po sa akin." I just gave him a direct answer because I don't want to deal with another makulit. 

"Eh nagtatanong lang. Baka kako pwede ka naming ihatid." he answered. Whaaat?! He will be with another person when he would bring me to my destination? Scary! Good thing, the couple arrived.

There were some unlucky instances before we reached the celebrant's house (like car not starting). So when we arrived, most of the people were already drunk. There was this big guy who probably had a quarrel with his gf. Let's call him Shrek. He offered to take me home. I agreed because I thought he was trustworthy. When we were on our way, we decided to drop by the riverbank. I wanted to make a stop over because I was afraid that we might meet an accident with the way he was driving. We walked for a while and talked. But he tried to make his move on kissing me. Luckily, I was able to duck. What a jerk! We were talking about his gf and how a family must stay together and he tried to do that? And he didn't stop there. He still tried for the second time. I couldn't just slap him because I know it will embarrass him. I want him to realize his mistakes, not slap him his mistakes. Then again, I guess I should have slapped him because he was already asking me to go to a motel with him. WTF! I thought Shrek was a good guy but I was proven wrong. He is an OGRE inside out. When he was being makulit on going to a motel, I bitched out and told him I'll take a cab. So he brought me home. But I guess he couldn't realize that I was already irritated since he still asked me if he could stay in my place for the night. I gave him one of my fake smiles and said, "Bye!". Then I crossed the street.

I guess I don't want to hang out with the group anymore. There goes my social life. The "guy magnet" doesn't have a social life anymore. It should have been fine if I just attract the good ones, but the unfortunate Amor only attracts the rotten ones.

This is THE song I've always wanted to hear from a guy. Maybe I'll ask God if He could make this as a sign. If a guy sings this for me while staring into my eyes, he will be the person I'll be with for the rest of my life. --Nah, too childish. Regardless of what purpose the song will serve, I just simply love hearing this.

Lying here with you,
Listenin' to the rain,
Smiling just to see,
The smile upon your face,
These are the moments,
I thank God I'm alive,
These are the moments,
I'll remember all my life,
I found all I've waited for,
And I could not ask for more.
Looking in your eyes,
Seeing all I need,
Everything you are,
Is everything to me,
These are the moments,
I know heaven must exist,
These are the moments,
I know all I need is this,
I have all I've waited for,
And I could not ask for more.

Chorus:
I could not ask for more than this time together,
I could not ask for more than this time with you,
Every prayer has been answered,
Every dream I have's come true,
Yeah right here in this moment,
Is right where I'm meant to be,
Here with you, Here with me. . .

These are the moments,
I thank God I'm alive,
These are the moments,
I'll remember all my life,
I've got all I've waited for,
And I could not ask for more. . .

Chorus:
I could not ask for more than this time together,
I could not ask for more than this time with you,
Every prayer has been answered,
Every dream I have's come true,
And right here in this moment,
Is right where I'm meant to be,
Here with you, Here with me. . .

I could not ask for more than the love you give me,
Cause it's all I've waited for . . .
And I could not ask for more,
I could not ask for more.

I watched this movie last Tuesday with a colleague. The story was just simple and predictable- a girl who never said no to a request from her friends and family and who was always daydreaming about her own wedding, finally stands up for what she wants and for her happiness. Yes, I was able to relate to Jane. I'm not a do-gooder like her, but I am always a hopeless romantic: always daydreaming about my own wedding and marriage, always in love with weddings, always teary-eyed after reading a romance novel or watching a romantic movie, and always weaving a love story that could be mine. Although I don't have a collection of bridesmaid's dresses, I was able to say, "Hey, that girl is me." - at an exaggerated level, of course.

Believe me, I tried so much to change my perspective on love and falling in love. But I've never changed. Maybe this perspective makes me who I really am. Maybe I just have to wait.

I just hope I don't have to wait until I turn 30 though...

the joy of having a gift is not really on the gift itself, but on the fact that the giver thought about what to give you, made an effort on thinking of what you want.

a flower given to a girl is of no purpose if the giver just gave it because she asked for it.

Wow... It's my birthday today and everybody has greeted me for the whole day in the office. But it's just now that I've realized that I'm already 25 years old. Quarter a century old!

Now what do I do?

darkthoughts

I was supposed to go to Tagaytay last night to celebrate my birthday. But the friend who will take me there suddenly said that he couldn't because his grandma was rushed to the hospital.

Now, everything is just like an ordinary weekend. It seems that there's nothing on Tuesday. 

Since I returned from my Christmas vacation, I feel like I don't have life outside work. When I wake up, I go straight to work. When I get out of the office, I go straight home.

When I'm in the pensive mood, I often get irritated by how life is. Before, I refused a marriage proposal because I thought I was still young and there are a lot of things that could happen to my life. Now, I'm almost 25 and finding it hard to settle down. I have friends who vowed never to get married and just get herself pregnant to have a baby. But now, she's married and she doesn't have a kid yet. And I, who dreamt of having my own family, am still very much single and only had 1 serious relationship ever. The exes are coming back now but they didn't come back when I wanted them to.

Grrr... Is this what they call the midlife crisis?

darkthoughts

About 2 months from now, I will be turning 25 years old. 25 is a scary age for me. It means that you just have 5 years more to be 30; 5 years is just a very short time.

I may have become a trainer at the age of 24 (and that's still young), and I may be happy with my life now, but there's something that I still failed to do. And that is to have one single relationship that I can be proud of. I never had a normal loving relationship, not even once. All relationships I had either started out wrong and ended wrong or could be considered non-existent.

My very first boyfriend was from Davao whom I've never seen in person. I had a boyfriend who disappeared after I said, "Yes! I'll be your girlfriend." I had another who was hated by my friends and family and who left me for another girl. I had one who only meets me once or twice a month, and I didn't even get to know any of his friends and family members.

I'm worried. I'm going to be 25 soon and yet I still haven't experienced how it is to be a normal girlfriend. Yes, I want that. I want to go shopping with a boyfriend, watch movies with him, have dinner with his family, have a drink with his friends and see him more than once in a week.

I want to be normal.